and so

finally, a chapter of my life passes by.

i sit here, wondering what this last month will bring?  

friendships have changed

relationships have ended

its strange to think this will all be behind me.  and us.

every year is a collective of souls

seeking what we’ve dreamed.

my art has changed so much

my views on the world have changed as well

as a whole i can tell i have changed… i still feel the dreams the love and imagination inside me that i came to know at 11… but now with age, scar tissue and an amazing amount of acne… i feel like i should.

fuck em.

a fish pulled in two different directions

repeating patterns, from year to year

how many times dose one choose to

                                                                         re-live a dream?

it’s been three years of back and forth looks

      side looks

                   caught off guard looks

                                               looking into your blue eyes

                                                                                           looks.

finally found out what it feels like to be in your arms, finally i felt your open mouth pressed against my teeth.

 finally i knew you would never be with me.

          you knew all along how i felt.

knowing this empty feeling stays for ever

you say you are a rock not a lover

i never needed either

my thoughts on attraction

what makes someone attractive

to me i dont know, but lets try and find out.  I guess clearly the first part is vain, i like a fairly symmetrical guy, with a nice smile and eyes, good nose you know, something nice to wake up to every morning.

but beyond that 

i know plenty of good looking guys, that i would never really want to be with.  I find this guy ive known over these past three years very attractive, he has stunning eyes, a great great smile and fantastic figure.  His mind is beautiful too, his views on the world, nature and life itself are insightful, imaginative, and well though out.  His art is of another world.  He treads this world lightly, not trying to cause much of a ruckus, but intent of living a simple life.  I get nervous when i talk to him because i fear he knows, so i try to keep it fairly short… but i love talking with him.  His friend though, who is fairly attractive, he has a great face and is very very tall.  But he doesn’t appreciate things like i do, and i wish for him to experience the world like i do…. but i think hes happy with his life, and so i keep my distance.   This shit is pretty complicated.  

It brings me back to where i was last year around this time.  Between them too, the friend and the fire.  That creative fire that feeds me, that makes me rise.  Why is it that one has it and the other dose not?  Between them two then, and the two now?

is it that kindred spirits stuff?  pheromones?  Its a lot im sure… 

again

there is no reversing time.

you happened… it ended… and you have moved on.  

still stuck in this purgatory of sorrow, memories and feelings of failure.  

salty drops roll over dried cheeks.

wind chimes 

a weight lays heavy upon the sternum

men no longer appeal to the mind

thoughts of sin and torture simmer away on the back burner

having many pillows to reduce the size of the bed

its too large for one

they always fall off

there is no replacement